Interests:music, sugar, naruto, piano, viola, ddr, all music, guitar, christian music, singing, sleeep... Expertise:piano, viola, but i'm not really good. oh and sleep. Occupation:student
Ohh . . . when (if) I leave this town, I will sure miss the distant sound of the weeping train in the evening.
So listening to a large crowd cheering at the stadium across the street and up the hill (I can hear them from inside my dorm), I see an image in my head. Thousands of spectators all watching one player run with a tiny ball (in comparison to the stadium). They are all focused on one play of the game - a story. I feel like most of us want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, something that is unified and has it's focus on one thing or one story. The spectators at a sports game, the viewers of a show or concert, the listeners of a speaker. Or if you want to look at it this way, you could say the members of the Body of Christ, with the focus on Him, the one Story of creation and life and humanity. I guess that's why we cling to friends and family who we feel are unified.
So lately, I've been questioning (again, I know) what I want to do with my life. I'm part of CTME, a (future) music educators club, and I'm taking all the classes required for a Music major, and I'm planning on taking a Class Composition course next semester. But when I think, "is this really what I should be doing, or want to do?", I'm always left with doubt. On either end of teaching music or composing music. Because I feel like there's something in each that I couldn't do. For one, I'm not an outgoing teacher type of person, and two, I'm not that creative so how could I successfully compose? It's been in the back of my mind for a while. And then there's the competing math/science slot. But when I think of that, I'm reminded that I'm not doing well in Physics at all right now.
But this evening, I watched an episode online of a program called Road Trip Nation and the story was about 3 girls from Australia who were college age (around 19) and really just did not know what they wanted to do with their life. So they took a "road trip" to America (southern California) and interviewed some people on their journey from LA to San Diego. The first person they interviewed was a man named Augie Nieto who started a fitness program called Life Fitness when he was young, but after several years, was diagnosed with ALS and his life changed. It was an inspiring interview to say the least. And I think God is trying to hint something to me because the First Year Seminar that I was placed in (normally you get a choice, but for some strange reason I did not get my first preferences) has to do with disability and deformity. Initially I was quite annoyed that they "gyped" me out of my choice for the course, but then I realized that maybe God wants me to become more informed about this topic. But I'm not sure exactly how yet.
The second was with Chad and Jon from Switchfoot. What they said really spoke to me for some reason (not necessarily because I always mention Switchfoot all the time). Here's something Chad said that opened my eyes: "I realized that I wasn't enjoying pursuing music as much as I could because I felt like I was still hanging on to "I gotta have a backup plan" (referring to when he was in college) and I was like you know, If I don't fully engage in this and enjoy this process, even if I fail, I'll always regret it if I don't put 100% into it. So I think that helped to finally let go of the safety net." I feel like maybe I'm holding on to a safety net. And insecurity and doubt about what I'm heading toward. But you know, it's like Hemingway says in A Soldier's Home - All work is honorable. And if I believe in the Body of Christ, I will believe that statement. Sure some work gets more glory or value in society. But all things work for the glory of God. And I think all work could be honorable.
It's interesting because in the book The Giver, a novel about a dystopian (or utopian, depends how you look at it) society, everyone is assigned their job. The elders observe each child from when they grow up until when they are old enough to start training (12). Then they assign each person their career in a ceremony. You may see it as "oh, well they don't have freedom to choose their own career path, that must suck". But something I've been thinking about lately is: freedom is not an easy thing. Freedom means there is no ignorance. You are responsible for your own decisions. Freedom may be a beautiful and liberating thing, but it is by no means bliss. It's not easy. In my life, the freedom to make decisions has been the most difficult aspect of what I do. And my guess is that I'm just always afraid that I will make the wrong decision. But now I'm seeing that you just have to go with what you think and not look back. You will regret more if you don't ever take chances or if you don't go at things 100%, like Chad said. There will always always, no matter what you do, be people who disagree with you. So why try and please everyone when you just can't? Several times in the New Testament it is mentioned to not do things to please man, but to do everything for the glory of God. Even things as simple as walking across campus. Or eating.
The hiding non-sleeper finally penetrates the darkness lighting up the tops of the tallest buildings which reach high above to get the first glimpse of hope. Slowly, the expanse heats up and awakens into new shades of color. Drops of water still fall from the grass but begin to hide as the great Being rises. The Being finds it's way into the blue expanse chasing darkness into hiding. Radiant beams of light poke through the treetops and bathe me in a sparkling feast to the eyes. The light-filled leaves gently glow green at me reminding me that we, creation, would not be made beautiful without the light of the great Being. As the Being makes it's slow journey through the vast blue expanse, its rays of light encircle my surroundings at different angles as if to spotlight every inch of creation. A drowsiness creeps in as the heat of the Being continues to blanket the world. But now, the Being sees new horizons and starts to hide away from my surroundings. Our time is coming to a close. Before the Being makes its last appearance, it creates an explosion of color in the expanse pushing away it's blueness and bringing it into a vibrant palate of every color. Finally, the explosion dies away and the Being bows below the borderline of the expanse. The heat fades and wind rustles leaves around me in one last attempt to convey a sense of motion. The aftermath of the Being lingers for a moment and then darkness comes out of hiding. But the Being has left an Advocate. And by the light of the stars dancing to the melody of hope of this Advocate, the Advocate rises in orange glory before bathing me in light as white as snow. There is darkness all around me but when I look at the stars, I feel the presence of the Advocate by me and shining hope to me.
Now on to Old Testament homework I've been avoiding ;)
You know what's strange? Your eyes are always working. Even when you close them. (Unless you're blind I guess). There's two instances which I find very creepy: floaters (not too creepy, more annoying), and the jagged lines that come with a migraine headache. You can't escape them. Even if you close your eyes, you can still see them. That's why I get chills when I think about them. I think it's one of the most creepy things ever. Thankfully, I've only ever had one migraine in my life.
Tension. Pain. That feeling when you're about to cry. When your brokenness is trying to ooze out into a form that is not an explosion. "This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out from the places you've been torn" (Always: Switchfoot)
I think there are three options people mostly take when they are broken. One - They tear down others, Two - they tear down themselves and absorb it all, Three - they surrender it to Christ's hands. "A cynic is just someone with a broken heart. Things tear you apart and the easiest response is to tear something else down" (Jon Foreman). Some people when they are in a dark state will let themselves bring others down through anger or cynicism or other ways. Some will tear themselves apart letting discouragement bring them so low that they feel worthless or too dirty and imperfect to be loved. They may absorb all the tensions in their life and try to run away from the pressure of their pain until it eventually just spills out in one way or another. And finally, there are those blessed enough to be able to surrender the burden of their pain to Christ. Honestly, most Christians have not fully learned to do this I'm sure, but it is the goal. "Let it go". So many songs sing that. That we should just pick up our lovely packed sack of "burdens" and just hand it over to Christ. But seeing as so many people don't totally succeed, I'd have to say it's not an easy task. And it's not as easy as handing over a hairbrush to your sister or something. I think it's a struggle. And saying it's easy I think in a way belittles the power of surrender.
I think many times when people see that something's wrong, they immediately want to try and fix things. My advice when it comes to people is: don't always try to fix things and offer up solutions. Just encourage them and lift them up. Sometimes all they need is someone to be there. To offer a hug.
We have a Starbucks way of life mostly now. But lets not totally abandon the Agora/Mad-Hatter way.
Sorry this was kinda an unpleasant post. I actually had a pretty good week. And now I am going to try and make a Larry costume =)
Ohh what a wonderful day it was yesterday (and is shaping up to be today). An overall wonderful week. I actually almost feel like a different person now than I did a week ago. I'm so thankful for where I am. So invigorated =)
Monday night RUF large group: There was a fabulous speaker. Oh what wisdom he had. Everything he said resonated in my heart and it seemed like he was speaking truth without sugar-coating it or trying to "beat around the bush". One of the things he mentioned was that we as humans all long for something. That longing is a kind of suffering. It is a lack of something and a longing for it to be filled in. Whether it be longing for food, or to be recognized in a room of people, or longing to be accepted, or longing for a parent's or sibling's approval, or longing for any sort of relationship where we are cherished or wanted. "Like a father to impress, like a mother's morning dress" (1). For followers of Christ, one of the longings we have is to be completely one with God. When and where there will be no more sorrow or suffering, that is when we will be one with God and our non-separation from him will not cause suffering. "When the only true messiah rescues us from ourselves, it's easy to imagine there will be sorrow no more" (2). Song: 1. For The Widows in Paradise - Sufjan Stevens; 2. Sorrow - Bad Religion (I listen to a mellow cover by Jon Foreman)
Another thing he mentioned was something C S Lewis apparently said. He said that Lewis said that the deeper he looks into his soul, the more he realizes the corruption, filthyness, and monstrosities inside of him. It made me think of the line "when everything inside me looks like everything I hate, you are the hope I have for change..." (1) and "I find peace when I'm confused, and I find hope when I'm let down, but not in me. In you" (2). And (paraphrased from Paul I think), "I must decrease and He must increase". I think the more you see how much of a mess you are, the more you can see how much you are in lack and the more Christ can be remedy. "If you ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you" (3). Songs: 1. On Fire, 2. You: Switchfoot; 3. For the Widows in Paradise: Sufjan Stevens
Tuesday night conversations for faith: Forgiveness - is not "excusing". It is not saying what someone did was right. It is saying: I still love you even if you wrong me or it you are imperfect. I think a parent's forgiveness of a child is a good example. They don't count the costs. I think that's how we're supposed to be with all people. With everyone we come in contact with. I think society might equate "forgiveness" with "excuse" or "pardon". But I don't think that's what it is. With unforgiveness, you hold something against someone, and with forgiveness, you don't say: What you did is right and ok; But you say: What you did was wrong, but I still love you and I don't hold anything against you. "What if I ignored the had that fed me? What if I forgot to confess? What if I stumbled down that mountain? Then would you love me less? No no..." (1). Song: 1. What If - Jadon Lavik
Wednesday night bible study: We all have rules and expectations we put up which often get in the way of loving people - basically, legalism. We expect a friend to act a certain way or just understand something about us, and when they don't meet our expectations, we become annoyed with them and a barrier is put up. We see people with different values and because they don't follow our rules, we look down on them. A barrier is put up. Martha attempted to be hospitable and appear as serving, and when her sister Mary did not help her and did none of the work, she became annoyed with her and complained to Jesus. A barrier was put up. A barrier between loving Jesus or her sister. We are caged by our own rules/expectations - "we are slaves of what we want" (1). Rules are not a bad thing to have, they have good purposes. But if they get too much emphasis, they may get in the way and become a barrier to loving people and seeing people as just people and not as a "rule breaker". "Are you finding love? Or are you picking sides?" (2) Songs: 1. Lonely Nation, 2. The Sound in My Mouth - Switchfoot
I've come to the realization (that I should have realized a loooong time ago) that it's ok to like what I like - I've been influenced by people being themselves and liking what they like, and it's ok to influence others in interests, like music. It's ok to like certain music even if others don't like it. Or books. Etc. I know this seems obvious but for some reason, I've never really grasped that before. It's quite freeing.
Since this post is already kinda long, I won't post the lyrics up, but go listen to and look up the lyrics to Breathing Air Again by Robbie Seay Band. I feel like it's really good advice to anyone, especially to certain college freshmen (*cough cough* @ Fei) One of my favorite lines in the song is:"take the time to think about someone else besides yourself". What a great reminder in a great song.
You should dance every once and a while. It's like chicken soup to the soul to smile and laugh with people. (especially partner dancing )
Don't live life as a means to an end. Hope is a great thing, but greater is Love.
The viola - I'm beginning to "love this imperfect instrument perfectly". I chose it a long time ago knowing that it would be a commitment, and now I'm thinking I should stick to it even if I may "tire of it" and set my ears on more georgous instruments like piano or organ or voice (choir) or chimes or handbells.
There's a song called Brothers in a Hotel Bed (by Death Cab For Cutie) which basically describes two people drifting apart through the aging of time. It starts out "You may tire of me as our December sun is setting Cuz I'm not who I used to be". I think it's probably describing a couple (possibly married) who are aging and are starting to grow "tired" of each other. He basically describes the natural aging of beauty and because of that, because the brightness and excitement of youth is fading (metaphor of "December sun setting", winter symbolizes death), the couple is drifting apart "like brothers in a hotel bed". (by the way, that song is absolutely gorgeous - the chords are so calming and the melody just so pretty) "Brothers In A Hotel Bed"
I compare this to how I was starting to feel about my viola. I felt more obliged to play than actually wanting to. I had my sights set on maybe switching over to choir or if I tried/practiced hard enough, maybe piano (and further along, organ). But then I saw one of those dumb facebook quizes on the homepage and someone's "love" or "relationship" result said something like "You choose to love an imperfect person perfectly". And that hit me, not only in a relationship sense, but in a Christ-like sense, and an instrument sense. You shouldn't try to expect perfection out of someone, but even if you see each person as imperfect, you may still love them perfectly like Christ. Christ loves our imperfect selves perfectly. My viola is not the perfect instrument maybe, but since I chose it a long time ago, I want to love it as best as I can. I want to stay by it through the future, even if I still grow "tired of it". It may not be the most beautiful instrument, but it's still mine and I love it =)
In the song, the couple is drifting apart. Although the love in marriage hopefully is the love like what I described above, often, the tiring blinds people from their commitment. One of my family friends is going through a divorce. I can't even imagine what it must be like because I've never gone through that, so I can't say much. But it is saddening that many people see the colors and vibrance of youth and "being in love" as what hold a relationship together. And when the colors fade and they grow tired of one another, they separate. They are blinded to the true vibrance of the unfailing love that is in commitment and patience and Christ and seeking Him together even when outwardly, things may be really tough (or just dull). There is brokenness.
And there is hope too. I know it's there. I know it exists and it's possible to love even when emotions are crazy like a hurricane. Even when people mess up. Even when there's dissatisfaction. And that's what makes love so beautiful I think. If you can make it through a lifetime of dealing with impatience and conflicts and unhappiness and trials (alongside all the good things too of course) with someone and still love them, what a great example of Christ-like love.
And I think that's why there are mentions of a marriage with Christ and his bride, the church. What an illustration. He joins as one with us and stands by us no matter what, no matter how imperfect we are, He shows a great expression of commitment. Commitment shows His love.
And I will stay by my viola and not abandon it. Yay for viola! (although I do think I want to get some chimes one day...)
@ Fei) One of my favorite lines in the song is:"take the time to think about someone else besides yourself". What a great reminder in a great song.
